Today’s post will seem somewhat of a tangent but if you really read – you’ll get the message.
I plan on using a few ideas to pave the way to my main point.
So listen up.
One thing I see people struggling with (something i’ve struggled with as well) is this idea of “possession“.
This plays out very clearly with dating and relationships especially.
So I’ll be using dating and relationships as a platform to clearly get the point across and give you food for thought.
Often times people seek to OWN the other person.
Whether they realize it or not.
It’s very subtle and often times it’s mistaken for love or how much we care about a person.
“This must really mean I love or care about the person? ” – right?
This idea of “ownership” comes naturally because we are shown this reality from society, Hollywood, and even friends and family.
Love or nothing.
Marriage or loneliness.
Relationship or meaningless life of pointless hookups.
Very black or white thinking.
I propose that we approach relationships from a place of freedom and happiness from simply being able to share experiences with another human.
Not seeking to own or posses.
One of the biggest challenges to dating and relationship is this idea that a person “belongs” to you.
This is inherent and even though most people don’t consciously think about this – It doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Most people will disagree that they DO NOT seek to own a person in relationships.
Of course – the natural thing to do is to deny.
But if you look at their behaviors, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Fact: Most of us don’t know ourselves as good as we think we do.
For example, let’s take Guy.
Guy meets Joan.
Joan is a great girl.
Has a job. Her own place. And generally seems like a “good catch” as
Guy begins to date Joan.
Soon after, he starts becoming jealous at the fact that other guys approach her, ask her out at work, and she generally gets endless attention from waves of guys.
Guy feels jealous and insecure about this and doubts himself deep down inside.
He doesn’t realize that this emotion is simply an obsolete biological response from our caveman days when women and reproducing was extremely scarce and we had to fight and protect the women we had.
This is no longer the case.
so a man being jealous is simply an obsolete emotional holdover from Brutus the caveman.
It makes no sense in reality in this day and age.
Although Guy believes he isn’t showing any signs of jealousy – Joan feels the subtle changes and his energy seeps through.
But since he is a great catch as well, especially for her future – she continues to be involved with him.
…or else face the agonizing feeling of “the girl that got away”. *eye roll*
Deep down, she wonders if Guy REALLY likes her and cares about her genuinely.
Or does he wish to lock her down from his own deep-rooted insecurities and fear?
She can feel this but will never mention or say anything because she knows he will never reveal this.
So they eventually enter a relationship.
Guy progressively makes his life about Joan and their future.
Joan does care and loves Guy in the beginning.
As time goes on, Guy gets more attached to Joan, becomes more jealous and inevitably more controlling.
and then…the many faces of the issues that caused him to jump into the relationship begin to show.
Arguments become a regular thing and Joan generally challenges Guy at every opportunity because she senses Guy is weak.
No women wants a weak, emotional, jealous
Guy is devastated.
What went wrong?
Well, Guy simply failed to realize one thing.
IT ALL ENDS. AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER.
EVERYTHING has an ending.
He failed to ask himself – “if it all could possibly end eventually, then WHY get into it in the first place?”
I am by no means suggesting that anyone shouldn’t get into a relationship. But suggesting always questioning the reason and bring it back to center.
So what I suggest is that we approach relationships from a place of pragmaticism.
If it lasts until death do us part, GREAT but either way, it still ends.
Nothing truly lasts forever.
The issue is that we often look for “completion” from someone coming into our lives and giving everything meaning and purpose.
All the long days at work.
Hours put into building a body.
Years of education.
Majority of the time we fail to ask ourselves one simple question:
Why are we doing the things we do.
Why are you getting into a relationship with this person?
“Because I love them.”
– But do you really? How do you know you do? Because you “feel” it?
Does loving that person mean you need to be in a relationship with them?
These are difficult questions to ask because they often take us to deep-rooted insecurities and issues that we have been living with the majority of our lives and don’t want to face.
They also challenge the reality we’ve been taught to believe from such a young age.
“Well that’s just the way it’s always been.” – Very basic low-level thinking which happens to be 99% of people.
Okay, you’re in the relationship.
You guys are together for two years. Do you guys get Marry?
If so then what…
I know this seems robotic and very rational thinking but this is the reality of it.
We often like to believe in this fairytale reality and magical love.
Like the Disney movies right?
So why question your feelings?
Because – What you feel MAY, and often times is, coming from other places than where you THINK it is coming from.
You may think you want to be in a relationship with someone because you FEEL it.
But do you REALLY feel it because of the that person?
Are these feelings intensified because you feel the need to get married soon?
Maybe you’re afraid of being the “lonely old man” or “lonely old women”? ( Which is bullshit by the way)
Maybe you seek to find meaning in your life and the sacrifices you make to be better and improve yourself.
Bringing meaning to it all
Maybe you’re getting older and want to find someone to “be with”. or the “clock’s ticking”.
These are just some examples.
This isn’t black or white but tends to be very complex because people can have a plethora of reasoning threads that no one will never know.
But if you answer the – “WHY question” rationally and realistically, you will be surprised at your reasoning for making the majority of the decisions you make.
Especially jumping into a relationship.
So I challenge you:
Before making a decision to get into a relationship, marry someone, have kids, buy a house, buy a car, get yoked in the gym – Simply ask WHY and dig deep.
Pull back the layers.
It’s challenging to do this because we are taught from kids to follow our passions, follow our hearts, and to following our feelings.
It’s okay to have these emotions, and I’m not suggesting you turn them off.
But what I am suggestion is to ALWAYS QUESTION YOUR REASONING.
The goal is to make sure you’re doing things FOR YOURSELF and not out of fear, insecurity, co-dependence, emotions that change with the wind, or some other reason deep inside that only you know.
Be selfish in this regard because you are approaching it PRAGMATICALLY and rationally.
The reasons behind anything you do should be for YOURSELF and your love for life.
Realize that all things end and eventually we are left with ourselves after it’s all said and done.
Will you look back and see a life well-lived based on what YOU wanted?
Can you live happily by yourself and alone?
I promise you, if you begin to find the reasons behind the decisions you make you will begin to make better decisions that are more in-line with what you truly want out of life versus what you FEEL and THINK you want.
Either way, it all ends one way or another.
So do it or don’t.
P.S So drop a line below and let me know your thoughts!